Out of the Ordinary

Yesterday after my appointment as Daniel was heading out to work he gave me a goodbye kiss, kissed my belly and said goodbye to Emily, then looked up into the air and said "come on Katie, we're going to work!" I laughed and said "Katie, if you're going to work with daddy, tell the medium to give us a message from you!"

Dan called me on his way home and said, "guess who I ran into today?" Yep, the lady who can freaking feel my daughter's energy. He hadn't even seen her in weeks and ended up running into her at an office birthday party for another co worker. She told him that she hasn't been feeling Katelyn's energy as much and that she believes it's because she's with me instead of him, protecting her little sister. He told her about yesterday's ultrasound and she looked over to someone she was with...apparently she mentioned to them earlier that morning that something wasn't right and that Katelyn was protecting her little sister.

She also told him to tell me to not look too hard for signs, that they'll be there and we'll know. So, for instance if a butterfly lands on the window seal while we're doing dishes, that's out of the ordinary for us and we would get a feeling that it's a sign from her. He chimed in with "what about a hummingbird coming into your house?" Yep, that would be a sign too. She said that she really feels that Katie likes things that take flight, butterflies, ladybugs, birds, etc.

I haven't had the chance to share the hummingbird story on here yet. On the day that our friends were driving in, Dan and I were relaxing on the couch together when our back door (it hadn't been fully shut) swung open with the wind and the next thing we knew we heard this strange buzzing sound. We both got up to check but of course he got there faster since it takes me longer to get up and waddle over. I asked if it was a bumble bee and he responded with "I think it's a bird or something", than ran out of the room! By the time I finally got there I realized that it was a hummingbird!!! Daniel and the dogs were freaked out by the little thing but I thought it was gorgeous and so sweet! It stayed with us for a few minutes then left the house. I thought it was hilarious that my husband, who isn't afraid of very much, was so scared of a harmless little hummingbird! Apparently it's considered to be a good omen as well, so even better!

Well, a few days later when our friends were here we were all sitting on the couch watching a movie one afternoon when we noticed a freaking hummingbird just hovering by our living room window for a bit, as if it were looking in. I teased Daniel that it came back for him! Anyways, the thing was adorable and I told him that I wouldn't be surprised if it was a sign from Katie, heaven knows scaring her daddy like that would be right up her alley. Even though she was just a baby she had quite the mischievous sense of humour!

Another thing that's been out of the ordinary is how the dogs are behaving. Often I find them just starring at my belly. The baby isn't moving or anything, and I'm positive that they sense Emily and/or Katelyn's energy. Another really strange thing is how they've been acting when Daniel comes home from work and I'm usually on the couch. Before they would go nuts, jump at the door and jump and greet him excitedly as he came in. Well, these past few days they hear the car, then Gracie runs over by the couch and sits up tall next to me. Hope takes her place on the welcome mat and waits for him to come in. Then he opens up the door...and they both just sit there. It's such bizarre behaviour, as if they're taking their places to protect me. I'm sure it's to do with the baby. Lola got all weird right before Katelyn was born too so it's something to keep an eye on. Animals really are so amazing!

35 week ultrasound news

So a quick update on this morning's ultrasound. The baby is doing well, she was very active, her heart rate was great and there was lots of fluid. But they did notice calcification of the placenta, which is what happens as the placenta ages. The doctor said that it wouldn't be a big deal if I were 39 or 40 weeks but since I'm only in the 35th week they really have to keep a close eye on things to make sure that it doesn't deteriorate.

Since it doesn't seem to be affecting other things right now (like baby's heart rate, my blood pressure, etc) she felt comfortable enough to send me home until my next appointment with instructions to monitor fetal movement. They'll reassess everything at my next ultrasound on Tuesday. If the placenta stops doing it's job properly, they'll bump up the date of the C-Section.

Here is my "35 Week" picture. I'm pretty exhausted from being up since 4:30 this morning and stressed from finding out this news. But things are going well and as crappy as it is to receive bad news, at least they are aware of what's happening. From what I've read online, no one really knows why some placentas age faster than they should, just that there's evidence that shows that this happens significantly more with smokers than with non smokers. Of course I've never smoked a damn cigarette in my entire life and I get it anyway.

Life is so frustrating and unfair sometimes. Anyways, I won't focus on the negatives when there are so many positive things to be grateful for. Katie is watching over us. Emily is healthy. Things will be alright. 

Venting...some people really need to mind their own business!

So I received a private message from someone yesterday that I don't know very well. The message mentioned that no child should be born in the shadow of a dead sibling (and I agree with that). Then it finished by saying that I will be a better mother for leaving things in the past and that Emily deserves better. Excuse me? I nearly choked on my water as I read that. When she's talking about leaving something in the past, she isn't referring about an argument or something trivial, she's referring to my dead daughter.

This was brought on because of the comment about my "second little princess". Well, guess what folks? Emily is my second child. It doesn't mean I will love her any less than I love Katelyn. At first I was really upset, I cried, then I was angry, and I took time to cool down before replying. I figured that maybe the person worded some things wrong so I sent them a message back thanking them for the advice and asked what they've learned through the years (they too lost a baby). The response to that was basically that they didn't tell their other kids until they were older.

Now everyone has the right to parent the way they want to parent. I believe that lying to my kids about their sister would be damaging to them. I will not lie to my children like that and I will not dishonour Katelyn's life by pretending that she didn't exist. I believe that everyone has a purpose and that Katelyn completed hers while she was here. What kind of mother would I be to pretend that she didn't even exist? What would be the point of her life if I just kept the lessons I learnt to myself  and left her memory in the past?

I replied respectfully because I didn't want to regret anything I said later. I told this woman that everyone does what they believe to be right for their families and that Daniel and I have decided from the beginning that we will be an open book about this. We have pictures of Katie in our home and our kids will grow up knowing about her.

Now that I think about it though, this person did offer some good advice. I will leave things in the past... not my daughter, like she wants, but her and her comments.

Parenting is hard enough. Parenting children who will never meet their sibling is going to have some complex aspects. Daniel and I have had many discussions about how we need to make sure that things are age appropriate (I've heard of little kids who are scared when they are told that someone is "watching over them from heaven" and literally think that someone is outside of their window watching them). We want to make sure that they know that we love them all equally. The thing is though, this is between Daniel and I. We will do what is best for our own family.

Thank you for listening to me vent! Now that this is off my chest, I will do my best to get over it and focus on all of the excitement and the love that I have for both of my girls! <3